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Friday, 20 January 2012

Project: Evil - Induction part 1

Project: Evil Chapter Three – Induction part 1

There must have been about thirty fold-up chairs in the lecture theatre and every one of them was occupied.  Brian flicked through the full colour brochure he'd found on his seat, resplendent with lavish prose extolling the evil capabilities of O'Feld Industries backed up with photographs and artist impressions of devastating urban explosions and man-made tsunamis rolling over major capital city landscapes.  He looked around at the variety of attendees, some destined to be henchmen, others clearly drawn from academia, industry and at least one extremely frightening example from the public sector.  Around the periphery of the room various members of O'Feld Industries stood, wearing shit coloured cotton pyjamas.  Or Corporate Wear as they preferred to call it. 
The background hubbub swelled then faded as a slightly over-weight lady in a twin set and pearls took to the podium.  She stood, clearly waiting for the sound to abate completely, nodding to a senior grade henchman stood at the rear when it was clear that some just weren't going to quieten down.  The sound of the machine pistol being cocked brought absolute silence to the room and a warm smile to the lady's mouth.
'Welcome to O'Feld Industries' induction programme,' she said  'While you've all been selected for your skills and personal levels of evilness we recognise that everybody needs some time to orientate into what is an exceptionally diverse organisation.  We truly believe we are the market leaders in global tyranny and we like to set the benchmark that other megalomaniacs strive to follow.
'We believe in promoting from within, and while some of you may have been recruited to fairly senior roles all of you, should you survive long enough, have the potential to make it to the very top of this organisation.'  She beamed around the audience, then her confidence appeared to falter. 'Of course, when I say very top I'm referring to senior board level, not absolute leader – there's only room for one complete tyrant in this organisation.'  Her smile returned as a nervous chuckle permeated through the inductees. She placed her right hand on her over-stacked bosom.
'Look at me, I started at the very bottom many years ago working as an agency slapper, then as a casual call girl.  After a couple of years I managed to get taken on as a Cheap Whore, grade 2, gradually rising to Mistress and following a period in management as Madam.  I transferred to Personnel and eventually to my current role as Head of Diversity and Corporate Ethics.
'Most career paths in O'Feld Industries aren't as straightforward and obvious as mine but they are there for the taking, if you're ruthless.  And if you're not ruthless you've attended the wrong induction,' she added.
'As you may have guessed, diversity is core to our beliefs.  We employ a lot of Johnny Foreigners world-wide in this organisation, admittedly usually as forced labour, but to me every person, slave and official concubine has rights.  Not all the same rights, but they have rights and it is my mission to ensure that we complete our responsibilities to each and every employee from humble cannon fodder hench-person grade 1 to Senior Scientist, Patsy grade 3.
Today you will have lectures from various departmental heads as well as a fun personality test that separates the paranoid schizophrenics from the callously heartless, but first we'll start with an ice breaker exercise followed by tea and a presentation from Health and Safety for the survivors.' 

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The characters, companies and places referred to in Project: Evil are fictitious and any resemblance to people, companies, businesses or places is entirely coincidental

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2 comments:

  1. The exercise that worked the abdominal exercise muscles the hardest also put the most pressure on the lower back and that exercise was double hanging leg raises. To determine which exercise is the best you must take into consideration the fitness goal.

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  2. Susie - this sounds very painful and needlessly harmful. You sound like a perfect B L O'Feld Industries candidate! Please send your CV/Resume to Mr J Daw, Head of HR and ritualistic application of pain to employees C/O iwannadie@BLOMI.com

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