Books written by Ray Sullivan

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Interview With a Tyrant

Megalomaniacs are notoriously difficult to pin down, given that they are often flitting between world domination projects.  So it was with great surprise that we were granted access to one of Britain's most secretive wannabe dictators.

Barry Liam O'Feld has built up a massive manufacturing empire, which is a long call from his humble beginnings in Cork, Ireland, in the Eighties.  Turned down for a job by the Provisional IRA as too rough (and a bit of a Proddy) he turned to the mainland where he built up a massive manufacturing and thuggery industry.

'I'm very proud of all my employees,' says O'Feld in a disarming manner, showing this correspondent photographs of journalists he has had the arms removed from previously.  'They're what makes my business more than an extortion and manufacturing racket.  I'm following in a strong British tradition of Tyranny - Thatcher, Blair, Cameron, now me - and exporting it worldwide, literally.  My latest project, to control the planet, will bring a degree of consistency previously unknown,' he said, polishing his monacle and stroking his pet cat.

He is a very private man, though, and when asked about the cat he pretended it didn't exist, protecting its privacy by deflecting any reference to it.

'I have no idea what you're talking about,' he said when asked the name of the cat, 'there's no cat in here, is there, Mrs O'Feld?' he answered, pretending to ask his wife who isn't in the room - O'Feld is notoriously protective of his close family members - Mrs O'Feld and their three daughters Paris, Rome and Scunthorpe, all named after the cities they were abducted from.

O'Feld is keen to promote his new website - 'we stole the domain name,' he declares proudly.  'We're recruiting for thugs at the moment, but we will , of course, take any criminal.  The benefits are obvious - Corporate Wear is issued to all employees and our pension fund is unusually healthy, given the economic situation.  Mind you, nobody has ever lived long enough to retire,' he points out, looking at his wristwatch.

'I must go, now,' he declares suddenly, 'I have some henchmen to slay.'  As I'm shown out of a fourth floor window I realise that my interview is over.

The characters, companies and places referred to in Project: Evil are fictitious and any resemblance to people, companies, businesses or places is entirely coincidental

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