Books written by Ray Sullivan

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Project: Evil – The Consultant Meeting part 3

‘Is that comfortable?’ Lurch asked, not waiting for an answer.  ‘What’s your preference?’ he asked.  Doctor Froshdu looked confused, so Lurch continued, ‘left or right testicle, or should I just surprise you?’ he asked, tying a blindfold on Doctor Froshdu.  ‘Is that too tight?’ he asked.  Doctor Froshdu nodded.  ‘Good,’ said Lurch, tapping the doctor playfully on the shoulder.
‘Now, you don’t have to say anything, as an answer screamed in abject terror will be acceptable.  Do you have any questions before we begin?’ asked Lurch, indicating to Brian that he should get ready to ask the first question.
Brian looked at his sheet of paper, filled with technical questions provided by his TWATs.  He cleared his throat.  ‘What’s the best way to deploy armadillo gonads into low Earth orbit?’ he asked.  Doctor Froshdu sat in silence for a few seconds before declaring firmly.
‘I’m telling you nothing – arrrrrrggggh,’ he screamed.
‘Sorry,’ said Lurch, I stood on his foot; I hope I didn’t interfere with an answer.’
‘No,’ said Brian, ‘he was refusing to answer when you did that.’  Lurch looked at Doctor Froshdu.
‘Refusing, eh? Well I’m not sure there’s anything we can do about that,’ he said, approaching Doctor Froshdu to remove his blindfold.
‘Whoa! How about torturing him a little?’ asked Brian.  Lurch stopped in his tracks, looked at the electrode in his hand and then back up at Doctor Froshdu.
‘I knew I was forgetting something,’ he said, flicking his free hand in the air before placing it on Doctor Froshdu’s shoulder while applying the electrode to his left testicle.  The screams reverberated around the chamber, with Lurch hopping maniacally.
‘I always forget to stand clear when I do that,’ he said, looking at the burn mark on his hand where it had held the shoulder.  ‘You would think I’d remember,’ he said smiling.  Brian thought that Doctor Froshdu smiled a little at the irony in-between writhing in agony.  Lurch gave Doctor Froshdu a small burst on his right testicle.
‘Ow!’ shouted Brian.
‘What?’ asked Lurch and Doctor Froshdu together.  Brian felt a little embarrassed by the attention.
‘It’s just a paper cut,’ Brian said, examining his thumb before sticking it in his mouth to suck it.
‘Oh, they’re really painful,’ said Lurch, concern on his face.
‘There’s nothing worse than a paper cut,’ said Doctor Froshdu, before Lurch gave his balls another burst of electricity.  ‘I’m still not going to tell you anything,’ replied Doctor Froshdu, defiantly as Lurch applied burst after burst. 
Eventually he passed out, so Lurch made Brian a cup of tea while they waited for Doctor Froshdu to awaken.
‘I don’t see how we can make him talk,’ said Lurch, sipping his Earl Grey while Brian completed some project paperwork, adding, ‘he does seem to be very resistant.’
‘I’ve got an idea,’ said Brian.  ‘Can you wake him up?’ he asked.
‘It hardly seems fair...’ said Lurch, but then seeing the look in Brian’s face he threw a bucket of water over Doctor Froshdu.  As the doctor came around, Brian asked him a simple question.
‘Will you answer my questions now?’ he asked.  Doctor Froshdu shook his drawn face vigorously.
‘Never, there’s nothing you can do to make me talk,’ he said.  Brian nodded at Lurch, who removed the doctor’s blindfold.  As the doctor adjusted to the light he saw Brian flexing the sheet of paper, then edge it closer and closer to him.  As the reality of multiple paper cuts dawned on Doctor Froshdu, his eyes widened in terror.  To be fair to the man, he held out for the first three paper cuts and probably would have held out longer if Brian hadn’t ordered Lurch to pop up to the canteen to get some vinegar.
‘OK, OK, I’ll answer your questions’, he said, ripping the sheet of paper out of Brian’s hand and scanning the questions.  ‘Look, if I answer all of these honestly and completely, will you guarantee my release and freedom?’ he asked.  Brian didn’t take any time to reply, the sooner he got this whole affair done and dusted the better, he decided.
‘OK, you have my word,’ Brian answered, a pen and pad ready.
‘Well, question one is a bit involved, so I’d like to come back to that.  However question two is Money For Nothing, question three is Bohemian Rhapsody, question four...’  Brian ripped the sheet from Doctor Froshdu’s hands and confirmed his worst nightmare, he’d agreed to let the doctor go if he could answer the Christmas party music quiz that Brian had been compiling.  But a deal was a deal, but Brian had one card up his sleeve.
‘OK doctor, you’ve obviously tricked me and that’s a respected trait around here.  But you haven’t given me a correct answer for question one yet, so you haven’t satisfied our agreement.  I’ll make you an amended deal, another respected trait: if you get question one wrong, you have to answer the correct questions, but if you do get it right then you have to join O’Feld Industries as a consultant.  Doctor Froshdu frowned at the deal, he hasn’t expected this twist and he was starting to get goosebumps.  Lurch noticed and turned the thermostat up a bit.
‘Why are you so desperate to have me work as a consultant?’ Froshdu asked.
‘Because I need a ringer for the Senior Management quiz team at the Christmas party,’ answered Brian, adding, ‘they’re rubbish at music knowledge and I’m fearing a bloodbath if they get trounced by a group of henchmen,’ he answered.  Lurch, realising that an interrogation technique coup was about to be realised flashed his eyelids at Doctor Froshdu while enticingly holding the doctor’s underpants up for him.  Doctor Froshdu paused for a few seconds before answering.
‘Deal,’ he said, holding out a manacled hand.


The characters, companies and places referred to in Project: Evil are fictitious and any resemblance to people, companies, businesses or places is entirely coincidental

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