First, the positive. This week saw the blog cross the equator for the first time, to Brazil - Cumprimmentos, amigo - to join the visitors from the UK, US, Russia, Singapore, France, Germany, Netherlands, China and Austria amongst others that also include India and Canada. The list isn't as random as it looks, by the way, that's the order of ranking of pageviews by country over the past seven days. Hopefully some, and preferably all of you out there, are enjoying the blogs. Importantly I hope you're all getting into the Da Dan Brown Code (or The Last Simple as it's called at home). Anyway, welcome to you all.
But now for the Xenophobic rant!
Anyone who's been watching the UK news over the last week will have seen the furore that has broken out over the decision by the British Border Agency to relax border controls this summer. There's a major political spin on this as the relaxation is almost certainly in response to the budgetary constraints all countries are operating under, but directly as a result of governmental decisions regarding priorities. The big debate in the UK press is how many unknown foreign visitors have entered the UK as a result, where are they from and where are they now?
Well, I reckon I know where they're from and where they've ended up.
There are two little known countries located somewhere between France and Australia that seems to have in inexhaustable amount of people who want to enter the UK and, ominously, make a bee-line to my corner of it.
The first country is Oblivia, a country with mild weather, mediocre beer and no sense of purpose. Its inhabitants drift around aimlessly, which is irritating in a supermarket, bloody dangerous on a motorway when they drift languidly across the path of 40 tonne trucks. Oblivians tend to congregate in clumps, loiter in public areas generally obstructing everyone else and amble along in busy shopping areas.
The second country is Moronia, which is populated by arrogant, pig headed, inconsiderate Morons (now you know where the word originates) who have a distorted view of self belief and personal rights. For example, the Morons believe they have the right to be in front of any motorist, at any cost, any time. Red lights are not for stopping at, they're for driving through. In public spaces, Morons barge through, jump queues and generally throw their considerable weight around.
Incredibly both Oblivians and Moronians speak excellent English and generally the accent is indistinguishable from anyone else from these parts.
It might strike some readers that I shouldn't be ranting about a segment of the population that happens to speak excellent English - after all, if English is a language they're comfortable with then surely they are potential customers for my books. However my view is that the Oblivians won't realise that this blog is talking about them and the Morons - well, I doubt they can read, judging by the way they act. They're certainly incapable of absorbing the content of the Highway Code and most of that is in pictures!
The upshot is that if the UK Government want to find the illegal immigrants it allowed through this summer, they are based in the north Wales and Chester area, speak fluent English and are readily identifiable. I'm up for a bit of vigilante Moron and Oblivian spotting for the Border Agency staff if they need assistance.
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