Books written by Ray Sullivan

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Snowden Reveals All in Exclusive Interview

In a surprise interview, outlawed whistle-blower Edward Snowden has broken out of hiding to explain his reasons for leaking NSA files to the press, prompted by being voted Guardian Personality of the Year. Some of the details of his interview, which is classified, has been leaked by a spokesperson on a temporary contract with the government.

"It wasn't my intention to embarrass my employer, or indeed the government, and being voted to the top award of the year by less than 1500 Guardian readers is an insult," Snowden is alleged to have said. "It was important that I let the world know what a difficult job NSA do, and leaking the files was the only practical way I had of achieving that."

Snowden, currently hiding in a secret location in Moscow, apparently gave his interview from his Holiday Inn room on the fourth floor last night. He allegedly explained just how difficult it was for analysts attempting to tease apart the chaff from the wheat. "There's a lot of shit out there on the internet!" Snowden is understood to have complained. "And a lot of that shit comes from bloggers," he is understood to have added. "Just how an analyst is supposed to differentiate between an encoded terrorist message and a stream of techno-babble bullshit in a so-called tech blog, I don't know," he is alleged to have said, exasperation beading his entire face, presumably.

"The only reliable way of checking the veracity of some of these blogs was to intercept every email, Tweet and Facebook message to look for corroborating evidence," he is understood to have suggested, if a little lamely. He was especially full of praise, apparently, for the assistance the NSA received from the British GCHQ organisation. "Quite how the NSA was expected to read every email and Facebook post I don't know," the unnamed source, Brian, claimed Snowden said. "The Brits - Lord they can read fast," he is understood to have added. "And their capacity to wade through shit is the stuff of legends," he is said to have announced.

Snowden was apparently less forthcoming when asked about the NSA posing as game-players on XBOX multi-person games. "That was GCHQ too," it is believed he stated, "they're a bunch of frigging geeks over there," he is alleged to have said. It is understood that he pointed in the direction of Kiev when this alleged allegation was made, but most analysts have assumed he thought he was pointing towards Cheltenham. However this is apparent speculation that NSA analysts are currently poring over in the hope that it may reveal information about Snowden's current location, possibly the location of a terrorist cell or even Cheltenham.  Mathematical modellers on short term contracts to the NSA are understood to be reverse engineering the point from Cheltenham's last known location, in an attempt to identify Snowden's hiding place in room 401.

"I don't know how I can sort this mess out," Snowden is believed to have said, adding, "you would think room service would do something about it," while waving an arm across the pile of fast food containers spread over his bed. "The NSA problem, I'm sure they'll get over that," he is understood to have suggested, adding, "they're incredibly busy, especially now they have discovered a trove of allegedly secret information that may be encoded as facts on this Wikipedia website they've just discovered. Apparently they assumed it was a classic British disinformation exercise, then they discovered that it was the main source of intelligence for MI6, had been since just before the second Gulf War," Brian stated Snowden had said before turning bright red. "Oh shit," he apparently stated as he ushered Brian out of the secret location next to the stairway with a Coke machine in, "I think that information is classified," he is believed to have said. "With luck one of those hapless bloggers will pick up on it and report it in their blog. At least no-one will believe the story then, and I'll be off the hook," he is believed to have asserted.

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