Books written by Ray Sullivan

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Project: Evil - The Industrial Tribunal Meeting

No, you haven't walked into a time warp - this is a missing Project: Evil episode I found while rummaging in my hard drive and never actually made the book.  It's been a quiet day in the eBook/technology world if you discount the multiple announcements from Apple, Samsung, Amazon and Google.  But apart from all that, nothing, really.  Oh yeah, the governments are still reading our emails, something B L O'Feld would applaud.

So, a new episode that doesn't appear in the book - yet.  If you want to read more Project:Evil why not visit the book page or the dedicated Project: Evil website using the links below?


'What the hell does this mean?' thundered O'Feld across the boardroom table.  Daw looked up resignedly.

'It's a summons to an industrial tribunal,' he said, leaning over and circling the heading in blood.  Brian wondered who's blood it was, but after a quick body check determined it wasn't anyone's he cared about.

'We get a lot of these, from employees we've let go,' added Daw.

'Really?' asked O'Feld.  He knew Daw often let employees go, but believed that the drop wasn't generally survivable.  Daw smiled, creating a chill throughout the room.  Miss Blowjob fiddled with the thermostat nervously, with good reason as most controls in O'Feld Industries were booby trapped.  And every male in the room were keen to see her boobies trapped.

'No, not really,' replied Daw.  'This is the first time an employee has made a complaint and survived.  Apparently it's also the first time the Department of Employment has decided to use the Witness Protection Programme,' he added.

'Don't we run a Protection Programme?' asked Brian.

'Not like this one,' answered Daw, before returning to O'Feld.  We'll have to defend this one in court, apparently.'  O'Feld shuddered.  The last time he'd been in court he'd been awarded three consecutive life sentences.

'What's the charge?' he asked.  Daw scrutinised the summons.

'Exposing a henchperson to unacceptable risk,' he read out.  O'Feld looked like he was going to explode.  Brian started to regret filling the sandwiches with C4.

'How the hell did we manage to do that?  I thought we classified all risk as acceptable,' he thundered.  'What did he do for us?' he added.

'He worked with Lurch, in the interrogation department. He was a technical assistant,' said Daw, reading from the henchperson's personnel file.

'What did he do?' asked Brian.  He saw Lurch as essentially a one man interrogation specialist.

'He stubbed cigarettes out on Lurch's customers,' answered Daw.

'Lurch doesn't smoke,' nodded Brian - it was starting to make sense.

'Neither did the henchperson who's taking us to court,' answered Daw, checking the summons again, adding, 'that's why he wants to sue us.  Apparently he got some awful chest disease from lighting cigarettes and keeping them going for Lurch.  He'd still be doing it now if it wasn't for the Lean process mapping we've been through recently.'  O'Feld looked interested, which was reassuring as O'Feld not looking interested usually resulted in an arbitrary death.

'So, we lost the assistant and Lurch lights his own cigarettes now?' asked O'Feld.  Daw shook his head.

'No, that would be unreasonable.  We've mapped out the whole interrogation process and realised that the customers weren't pulling their own weight.  Well, OK, they were if you count the ball and chain we routinely make them wear, but apart from that and spilling information and internal organs they tended to just sit around waiting to be tortured.  Lurch is a busy man and might have to leave them for some time, which isn't efficient,' he added.

'So?' asked O'Feld.  Daw looked at Brian, who rapidly opened the Lean Manufacturing handbook to the correct page.

'So we get them to keep the cigarettes going while Lurch is busy,' he said, adding,  'It cuts down on personnel, increases victim satisfaction and, generally, reduced costs as they used their own cigarettes.'  O'Feld looked pleased.

'So we've identified the problem and taken steps to change things?' he asked rhetorically, shooting the first person who failed to notice the subtlety and tried to answer the question.  Brian and Daw both nodded as the manager was dragged out of the boardroom.  'Bribe the henchperson and the judge, naturally. Or blackmail them if that's cheaper.  Rig the jury, that should sort the problem out,' O'Feld said, standing.

'Or we could just re-employ the henchperson.  Give him his job back, supply the cigarettes and let the lung disease take its toll,' suggested Brian, feeling pleased that he'd identified a solution that was virtually cost free.  O'Feld gave him a withering look.

'So, you're a HR specialist as well now, are you?' he asked, turning, slamming the door on the way out.



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